The Son of Sofun
by blue rain rhapsody
Summary: "Shh, they haven't finished our series yet!" Frank exclaimed. "You guys are just upset because Rick ended your series before us!" "Shut up!" Carter said. "No spoilers!" Percy shouted. Then, in a hushed whisper- "Psst, Jason dies." "NO PERCY, DON'T YOU-" My parody of The Son of Sobek before it is released. Crack!fic.


**Title: **The Son of Sofun

**Rating**: T (I swear like two times whoops)

**Disclaimer**: Rick Riordan owns PJO/HoO & TKC

**Dedication**: someone who wanted a crack!fic version of the son of sobek

**A/N**- Figured it's been a while since I posted a crack fic. This makes no sense whatsoever but I sure got a good laugh out of it. 6 Days until the Son of Sobek! /enjoy my parody, the son of sofun!/

* * *

**THE SON OF SOFUN**

* * *

Maybe Carter should really have thought about using a different spell before he wanted to die.

Percy saw the fist right before it knocked him in the face and went flying- twenty, thirty feet- across the swamp water and landed on his back.

Carter stood there with a horrified look on his face. "Uhm I didn't mean to-"

"MORTAL!" Percy yelled, standing up. Water rose from the sides of his arms, and soon Carter was facing a giant hurricane the size of a skyscraper that created a large shadow over the entire field. Carter gulped, and shifted his wand and sword in his hands uneasily.

"YOU!" He pointed accusingly at Carter. "What was that for?"

"It was an accident!"

"I don't think punching someone is an accident!"

"I'm sorry I wasn't-"

Percy gave a roar and slashed his sword downwards. The hurricane funnel branched into one large whip and became a tidal wave aimed right for Carter.

Percy thought: Hehehe I'm gonna kick this guy's ass.

Carter thought: I should have stayed home.

Carter raised his hands in a defensive position, but before Percy could unleash the wrath of all the oceans, someone swooped from the sky and slashed a blade of air right through the funnel. Percy's hurricane collapsed and he fell to his feet, his sword out and ready to fight.

"Dude!" A blonde haired boy in a purple shirt put his hands out as if to restrain Percy or calm him. "What are you going around trying to drown kids in the wrath of the ocean?"

"He punched me!" Percy whined.

Carter scrambled and hugged the legs of his savior. "Thank you!"

"Get off me!" the victim of his awkward leg-hug kicked him away. Then he turned his attention to Camper boy. "You probably deserved it," the blonde mused.

"Did not!"

"Hold up!" Carter got to his feet and looked at the two of them, pointing the wand at Percy and the sword at Jason. "Okay, I am not having the best day here; who are you-" he pointed at Percy and then the blonde boy.

"So rude, Percy, didn't even tell him who you were," the blonde clucked his tongue.

"He punched me in the face!" Percy protested.

"I'm Jason," the blonde boy extended his hand out to Carter. "Jason Grace. This is my friend Percy Jackson."

"Nitwit!" Percy yelled at him. "He could be a spy!"

Jason snorted and looked at Carter, as if sizing him up. Jason was even taller than Percy, and Percy was taller than Carter, and the two of them together was making Carter feel insignificantly small.

"What's your name, kid?" Jason asked.

"I'm Carter, Carter Kane." Carter tried to ignore Percy's ranting. "Head of the Brooklyn house."

"AND I'M DIONYSUS!" Percy jumped next to Jason. "And I'm also gonna kill you."

Carter flinched, but Jason stepped between the two of them. "Woah Percy, calm down."

"I'M CALM!"

"Hey guys," Carter said weakly. "I hear screaming."

Jason stopped talking to Percy and looked up. "Shit."

"What did you do this time?" Percy sighed.

"I was flying over to camp with Leo and I dropped him in my mad effort to save the guy you were trying to decapitate using water..."

"JASON GRACE!" Someone yelled from higher up in the atmosphere. "I AM GOING TO FREAKING MURDER YOU YOU ASSHAT! YOU LEFT ME UP HERE AND I'M FFFFAAALLLLIINNNGGG!"

Jason jumped and flew a few feet in the air. "He's falling too fast, I can't grab him."

"I'd stand back," Percy waved his arms around and created a vortex of water. "Jason, try and slow him down."

Something in the clouds caught fire and went out in a column of smoke. "JJJASSSOOOONNN!"

"Coming dear!" Jason yelled up.

"Here he comes..." Percy pushed the water up and the vortex caught a heavy object that plummeted straight down.

The water bubbled erupted in an explosion of fishy smelling guts and sent everyone else flying.

Carter got up again and saw an angry looking hispanic kid arguing with the blonde guy identified as Jason. He was swearing a lot and mixing his words with what Carter could only guess was Spanish.

"You little -" more swears and spanish. "-Jason Grace! I am going to burn your freaking head off when I-"

Suddenly, someone blasted fire right at Jason, and the arguing spanish guy pushed him out of the way.

"We're being attacked!" Percy took out his sword.

"Leo!" Jason yelled at the other. "Try to take them out!"

Leo grinned and his hands caught fire. "Need a lift for that, Superman. And don't think you're getting forgiven so easily, I'm gonna kill you after this."

Jason huffed and grabbed his arm, pulling him into the sky.

"Who's that?" Percy yelled at Carter, who was standing thunderstruck. "If you don't tell them to identify, I'll blast them out of the sky!"

Carter cupped his hands. "HI! COME DOWN, I DON'T WANT YOU TO GET HURT!"

Fire erupted in the air and a girl with dark hair and blazing eyes stepped out. "Where is Carter Kane!"

"Zia!" Carter shouted, running towards her. "I'm over here! I'm fine-"

Someone yanked him by the collar, and before he could move, a gold sword was pointed at his throat and warm hands against his back.

"'Ello there," Leo said with a devilish grin. "I wouldn't move, or Superboy here is gonna chop off pretty boy's head, and I'll blast him apart with fire. So why don't you come over here and talk to us, pretty lady?"

Zia's eyes blazed with fire, and her fingers launched sparks off the sides. "Put my boyfriend down," she ordered.

Leo snorted and shoved Carter forward, who fell face first into the mud. "Suit yourself. But Percy's gonna have to deal with your boyfriend."

"You'll have to get through me," Zia narrowed her eyes at him. He didn't even flinch.

She shot a large contracted ball of fire straight at Leo, who caught it easily in his hands and rolled it through his fingers. Carter and Zia stared in shock, and Carter crawled away from the flaming boy. Jason, standing a few feet away from them cautiously, started sparking electricity off his arms and his sword.

Percy's funnel landed next to Leo, leaving three angry looking boys with swords and dangerous looking expression.

"This is hardly fair," Carter complained. "Three against two isn't even a fair fight."

"Let's see about that," Leo's arms burst into flames, grinning wickedly at Zia, who narrowed her eyes and glared at him.

"Magician of Ra?" Carter whispered to Zia. "Or a long lost brother?"

She flicked her eyes towards him once before facing back at the opposing enemy. "Not the time for jokes, Carter."

Jason, the blonde one, was about to charge, when a girl dropped out of the sky. With her blonde hair flying and her purple streak whipping in the air, her magician's wand alight and ready for casting.

"Hello brother dear," she grinned at Carter. "Do you wish to make it a fair fight?"

"Who are you?" Percy shouted at her.

Sadie made a face at him. "Who are those guys?"

"No idea, but I punched the one with the water spout in the face."

"Ugh, Carter, why do you always provoke the deadliest things after you?" she sighed.

"Not now," Zia warned her.

"Charge!" Leo shouted, and the three boys went after the other three magicians.

The magicians reacted quickly, and Carter was just about to use a spell when-

WHOMP! WHOMP! SMACK! An elephant larger than life slammed him onto the ground by wrapping it's long trunk around his middle and throwing him across the swamp. Sadie tried to cast a spell but it gave her a whack and sent her sprawling into the mud. Then it sneezed on Zia, who did not look amused.

"Frank?" Jason yelled.

The elephant grabbed the blonde out of the air and slammed him into the ground. Then it snatched up Leo and tossed him in the air a few times for good measure before dropping him back down.

Percy raised his sword defensively. "Look man, I don't want to hurt you so-"

The elephant whipped him across the chest and sent him flying in the other direction.

Carter sat up and tried to recover, and saw how everyone else in the swampy field was doing the same. The elephant shrunk into a burly looking kid about his age, a deep scowl and a military crew cut on the top of his hair.

"All of you stop it!" He yelled loud enough for Carter to hear perfectly clear. "I don't know who half of you are, but Percy, Jason, Valdez-" he dropped his shoulders and slumped. "No more fighting, please."

"Listen to him!" A girl on a bronze stallion appeared where there had been no horse a few seconds earlier. Two other girls were riding with her on the other part of the horse- a blonde haired girl and a girl with darker hair in a choppy braid.

"Percy!" the blonde girl shouted as she hopped off her horse and marched over to him. The girl with the braid got off the horse and headed towards Sadie, who stirred in the mud.

She got near enough to Percy and he flinched. "Nice," Leo snorted. "Now your girlfriend's gonna kill him."

"Not now, Valdez," her eyes were stormy grey- they seemed to be scanning Carter even from the distance, and he felt incredibly small and insignificant.

"Jackson, what have we just learned from the last war?" she demanded. "Me and Piper tracked them- and they are not our enemies! They had other associations with our people, and one of them is Piper's sister!"

"What?" Zia asked.

"Her sister, Lacy, told us she knew a girl named Sadie Kane from her school," the blonde said. "Are you her?"

"No," Piper called from the other side of the field. "This is her."

Sadie stirred and woke up, blinking at the braided girl standing over her. "I know you!" she exclaimed. "You're Lacy's sister, the one who picked us up from after school and drove me home!"

"See?" Piper asked them, satisfied. "Not enemies."

"Come on, I still need to beat the shit out of her brother," Percy complained. "He punched me in the face!"

"Carter," Zia narrowed her eyes. "Why did you punch him in the face?"

"It was an accident!"

Percy growled, and advanced, but Annabeth held him back. "This fanfic is going nowhere!"

"Let's make a circle and play twenty questions!" Leo cried.

Everyone looked at him like he had lost his mind.

Jason shrugged. "Sure beats sitting here and fighting over who punched who. Come on, make a circle guys."

* * *

"So, how do you control fire?" Leo asked after an awkward silence passed after making the circle.

"What?" Carter asked.

"The question was for your girlfriend," he rolled his eyes.

"I channel the power of Ra," Zia said with cold eyes. "The Egyptian god of the sun, creation-"

"I thought that was Apollo?" Percy asked, confused.

Annabeth motioned for him to shut up.

"I control fire because I was born with it," Leo spread out his palm and flames flickered off the sides. "Whoopdedoo."

"I'm the son of Jupiter, leader of the Twelfth legion, toppled the Black Throne of Kronos, and defeated Krios with my bare hands," Jason recited. "And now, Po-"

"Dude," Leo looked at his friend. "This isn't the wolf house. And since you're listing off accomplishments, maybe I'll add 'broke girl's heart in the legion and then doesn't pay attention to current girlfriend.'"

"Shut up Leo," the demigod group chorused.

Leo pouted.

"Well, since we're just sitting here and doing nothing, we should probably have real introductions," Sadie said. "I'm Sadie Kane, co-leader of the House of Life and the sister of my idiot brother, Carter."

"I'm Carter Kane," Carter said. "Pharaoh of the House of life, but currently leader of the gnome of New York City. And my stupid British sister is Sadie."

"I am Zia Rashid," Zia, next to him, started. "Magician of Ra. And I think this is stupid."

"Anything else to declare?" Percy asked.

"Yes, shut up."

"I am Leo Valdez!" Leo stood up. "And pretty much everybody knows me, and that's Percy Jackson, Annabeth Chase, Frank Zhangypoo, Hazel Levesque, Jason Grace and Piper McLean. We're heroes who were sent on some shitty-ass quest by her royal cowheadedness, Hera, and saved the world against mother earth, and basically our lives are really strange and I think this is my last dialouge line."

"Yes it is," Piper agreed.

"_Zhangypoo!?_" Frank sputtered.

"Bye! See you guys in six days for the release of the Son of Sobek!" Percy waved.

"Who are you waving to?" Hazel asked him.

"Just keep waving," Percy whispered out of the corner of his mouth and kept smiling and waving at invisible people. "They haven't found out what happened after Tartarus, they're hoping this story is a spoiler for the next book where Jason dies."

"What?" Jason asked.

"Nothing," Percy waved even more. "You didn't hear that. Bye!"

"Son of Sobek is released May 7th!" Annabeth exclaimed. "Don't miss it!"

"Smile and wave," Piper instructed the magicians. "You'll get used to it."

****"Bye bye!"


End file.
